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free, web, page, hosting, seo, v1rusdr
Corny Jokes
Jerrold Schiff
http://www.schiffkey.com
She wanted to be a bubble dancer, but her dad said “no soap”
He went to the country to see a barn dance.
Doctor, I often feel like killing myself. What should I do?
“leave it to me”
Any of your friends can become an enemy, but a relative is one from the start.
Madam, this book will cut your housework in half!
Great, I’ll take two of them.
Do these stairs take you to the second floor?
No, you’ll have to walk.
While you were sick in bed, did your wife read to you?
Yes, my life insurance policy.
Is there a word in the English language that contains all vowels?
Unquestionably.
Always get married in the morning.
That way, if it doesn’t work out, you haven’t wasted the whole day.
Old teachers never die.
They just grade away.
“Get me my broker Miss Jones”
“Yes sir, stock or pawn”
I knew I was in trouble… Any time my ex gave me alphabet soup, the letters spelled out “poison”
She was only a taxi driver’s daughter, but you sure auto meter.
“So, are you back from your vacation? Feel any change?”
“Not a penny”
“did you find it very expensive at the seashore?”
“yes, even the tide was high”
“i met my wife at a travel bureau. I was looking for a vacation, and she was the last resort”
“no matter how far you travel, you still move only two feet”
“Have you ever been to a zoo?…. I mean, as a visitor?”
“can you do something other people can’t do?”
“yes, I can read my own handwriting”
no matter how much you move it, writing paper is always stationery
“i once ate a watch”
“wasn’t that time-consuming?”
a man lost his watch and found it five blocks away. the watch was still running.
I left my watch upstairs and it ran down.
The Blog of Inconvenience
Premise: Life, by definition is a series of inconveniences. From stubbing a toe, to getting cut off in line, to being bullied, to however you may die. Every day, in every way, something gets in your way. Something bothers you – large or small. Something “slows you down” instead of making life easier, friendlier and kinder. It is a rough, rough, rough, rough, world.
Background: In the most server sense, there is the court system. Lawyers, Judges and Police; all are maintaining the law of the land. But this represents the most costly aspect of inconvenience. If you were to account for all the things that can go wrong, legal recourse would not even come to .001 percent of the grievances.
The Concept of Retribution: From an early age, we are given a “slap on the hand”, a verbal warning, a spanking, a detention, or a tongue lashing. There are many forms of being told off. None of these are costly or detrimental. In fact, these are modifiers of behaviour. In some cases, making you a better person, or a stronger person, or worse, a bully: It depends on how your react and if you “get away with it”, it depends on learned behaviour.
FAST FORWARD to “1984” and “Dick Tracy Watches”: We all know that we are being monitored. Technology just makes it easier. At a young age, it is the watchful eye of the parent. There is the teacher. There is the boss. On the road, it is the police officer. But what happens as technology gets better? There are cameras placed at red lights, in shopping malls, in stores, in banks. All monitor for criminal activity. This is meant for the “worst case” or “blatant” breaking of the law. Now add in cell phones which monitor your location (GPS). They monitor the time and duration of your calls. And of course, it is possible to record all calls. Lets add in another factor that will improve the theory: Due to Moore’s Law which states that “technology will double every 18 months”, and looking at data storage, the cost of storing and maintaining huge data banks has decreased since 1964, If not now, then soon, it will be possible to record everything, with or without your knowledge or consent, to your existence. Where you work, play, what you do, what you say, what you buy or sell. To the extent that all human activity will be available and searchable… that is the premise of the concept of inconvenience – all based on the ease of regulation and monitoring.
IF YOU HAVE FOLLOWED THIS SO FAR then you realize this is NOT SCIENCE FICTION. This will be a reality in your life time.
The next logical step in evolution is to give feedback. Isn’t that what the court system is currently doing? If you have done wrong, been caught, and pulled up before a judge and found guilty, you will be charged and some form of punishment will be administered. This is not the cheapest way to go! There are too many costs involved, too much time and too many people involved in a system that by its very nature is bogged down and does not generate anything worthwhile to society. Let’s go back to how we treat four year olds. We can talk to them. We can put them in a corner for a time out. We can force them to eat their vegetables. Why would we stop at FOUR? If we incorporate the basis of a driving system called “demerit points”, we can do the same thing to individuals. And we can do it on a grander scale. We can do it for ALL forms of wrongs. And we can do it in ways that can modify behaviour for the good of society.
COMMENTS:
Name a grievance. State the players (no names). State the actions that attributed to the situation. State the possible ramifications. And finally, state the punishment or retribution.
About the author:
Jerrold Schiff lives in Apopka, FL. He was born in raised in Canada.
As a maintenance computer programmer, he spent most of his career fixing programs that went awry because (the company changed, the business changed, the programmers missed something, or there wasn’t time to think of everything). Now, Jerrold is self employed removing viruses from residential computers. He also hosts web sites, creates web pages and helps small or home businesses get better ranking on search engines.
Please support my clients: (web hosting. search engine optimization)
Computer Virus Removal – Web site hosting – Web site SEM SEO – ORGANIC SEARCH
http://www.schiffkey.com
Let the Legend of the Evil Eye be with you !
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Independent AMSOIL Dealer
Solar Water Fountains Etc.
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Seasoned Psychotherapist
http://www.phonecoaching-counseling.com
Brown Law, P.L.
Lake and Luxury Real Estate, Windermere, Florida
http://www.lakeandluxuryrealestate.com
“A Place for Families”
http://www.crossroadschurchapopka.com
Business Writing and Resumes CPRW
http://www.awardwinningresumes.ca
http://www.interviewresumes.com
http://www.shane-resumes.com
Veterinary Pathology Services
http://www.vpsdrs.com
Sweet Water Oaks Garden Club
http://www.swogc.org
Kelly Mccracken Counseling LMHC, RPT-S
Licensed Mental Health Counselor
http://www.kellymccrackencounseling.com
May Mei Garden – Chinese Food Apopka
http://www.maymeigarden.com
Last Minute Villas
http://www.lastminutevillas.net
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Inconvenience, schiff, v1rusdr, seo, hosting
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1. Think business objectives and priorities first. 2. Do not gossip; focus more on getting the work done – you’re there to work and demonstrate results rather than to socialize a good part of the day. 3. Listen well to what others have to say around the water cooler, but then excuse yourself politely by saying that you must meet a deadline. 4. Don’t offer advice right away to a staff person who has personal relationship problems – hear them out. It’s unlikely they will do what you suggest immediately. 5. Stay calm if someone sends you a hurtful email – it may be that the message wasn’t intended to come across the way it was written. 6. Respect people’s property – don’t bother to touch objects on other people’s desks unless you ask first, and always return borrowed items within the hour if possible. 7. Don’t create ‘groups’ to go up against others 8. If someone reflects blame on you think of why it’s happening… is it merely a result of frustration, fear or insecurity – and not necessarily ‘you’re fault’? 9. If you feel you can cut the tension with a knife, buy the other person a coffee or tea and chat. 10. Compliment the other person who starts finding problems with you on the job. 11. You’re there to work, and function as a team, rather than complain about each person. 12. Know that, if you focus too much on the bad behaviour of co-workers, you’ll show complete unhappiness and will be the first to be asked to leave the job. 13. If you share commonalities with one co-worker, don’t leave others out in your conversations; don’t ignore others deliberately if they are trying to participate in the conversation. 14. Perform at an optimum as a team member or leader. 15. Acknowledge the efforts of team members with direct eye contact and conversation. 16. Use authority but do not become over-bearing and impose your values on someone else. Don’t talk negative about a way a person dresses – you’re not there to criticize. 17. Refrain from sending emails to talk about others behind their back. 18. Think about company time – you’re at work to do a function and progressively take on more responsibilities for the sustainability and growth of the business as you develop your career – instead of being there to warm the chair while you get paid. 19. Don’t act in haste. Think things through. 20. Don’t criticize another person’s work to a co-worker. Instead, develop your own expertise. Be Creative 21. Rise above the petty things that may go on day to day. 22. Look at the photos of your co-workers’ children when asked, but if the person continues to call you over at 10:15 am in the morning when you are supposed to be working, suggest that the next time you could probably view the photos during your break or at lunchtime. 23. Ensure your work is completed on time. 24. Don’t go home with a negative attitude thinking primarily about the actions of one co-worker who you may not like. Stress like this can build day after day. 25. Try to suggest that a ‘beef’ session is held once a week to discuss the stressful things that may happen during the week.
Karen Shane, B.A., CPRW 416-226-0460 Canadian Career Practitioner Certified Professional Resume Writer at Business Writing & Resumes, Toronto: www.shane-resumes.com |
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Are Nudists more prone to viruses?
(a)
The client was a very elderly man, maybe 80, maybe more. I am not a good judge of age! Anyhow, It was a warm Florida summer day (what’s the odds of that?) The A/C was on, but the house was still warm. Still, I sat down in front of my new client’s computer and started work. As usual, he offered me a coffee, which I gladly accepted. As I began work, I noticed my surroundings. The computer was in his bedroom (aren’t all computers located there?) To my left was a huge glass patio door, overlooking a swimming pool. My client explained “These condos all have their own swimming pools. All enclosed. No one can see in. No one can see out. When I swim, I can swim totally in the nude and never be disturbed. As long as we are quiet, the home owners association even lets us have parties. You are more than welcome to have a swim any time you like.” At this point I need to add that computer gurus may be exceptionally bright fixing computers, but we are socially inept. I didn’t have a clue until days later what he was offering or possibly why.
(b)
Some of my clients live far away (and far out). A very nice couple lived in eastern Orlando. Their home was even on a dirt road. It was situated on a fair junk of land. Their nearest neighbours homes were obscured. Sitting in their living room, I started working on their infected computer. It wasn’t going to be too bad, but older computers take longer to scan. The questions started early “How did I get a virus?” “Did we get it from porn sites?” “How do I protect my computer”… in other words, the usual questions! The husband was sitting to my left. Asking most of the questions. The wife was on the couch back of us, had no idea if she could see the computer from that far away! Somewhere in the middle of fixing the computer, the wife asked me “How much longer will this take? I want to get back outside and sun bath. Do you sunbath in the nude? We are nudists” Okay. Now how does someone answer that question? Here is this perfectly normal (looking) couple, asking a potentially intrusive question. Sorry to disappoint all of you, but I deftly stirred the conversation back to my task on hand: The computer. I guess I did a great job of fixing their computer; they have never called again with a computer problem.
(c)
I would think this question would come up more often. Yet, it has only been asked once in 10 years!
After fixing a couples computer, and while waiting for the wife to write the cheque, the husband asked “You must fix a lot of computers, where just the wife, the lonely wife, is present: Have you ever been prompted for extra services?” … Huge grin… I asked the husband if he got that question straight out of Playboy Advisors! Sadly(?), the answer is no. There are some very obvious reasons. The first is that at $70 an hour, most customers are so focused on the clock, that they would never think I was human. The second and more painful realization is that “I’m not a pool guy”. At my age, and only 5’4” tall, being approached for something other than my brain is ludicrous. But yes, I was “approached” once (read on).
(d)
I try to set my appointments around 9:30 in the morning. Ensures I don’t have to fight morning rush hour traffic. So, I get to this lady’s house, bright and early, ready to work. Her computer was in the living room. It was a large room. There was a TV to the right. A couch, 10 feet back behind me. The kitchen was to the right. Had one of those “islands” that people seem to like. I sat down to fix her computer. As usual, customers like to talk about anything BUT computers. And since I’ve been doing virus removal for 10 years, I actually welcome listening to my customers’ life story as I work. And yet, I still can’t spot warning signs? She explained that she was celebrating. She has been married two years, but her divorce settlement finally went through. And just yesterday, had received over $40,000. (I hate when people tell me about all their money. In 90% of the cases, it means they will complain about my $70 an hour as “way too high”, go figure). Meanwhile, I kept working on her computer. It is not unusual to see clients having a beer or two. Even that early in the morning. What I did not notice was how many beers she had been drinking. As she sat on the couch behind me, she continued her story about her life. Nothing new there, right? But when I pointed to the screen and said “That’s your problem, right there!” She left the couch to come beside me. She then said “can you explain what that’s all about”… and then tried to sit down. Well, I was sitting on the only chair in the room. She tried to sit on my lap! I was able to move out of the way, in time, but she fell on her butt to the floor. She was not happy. Anyhow, she brushed herself up, and went over to the kitchen. I went back to my work, and nothing more was said. In about 30 minutes, I was done – the computer was all cleaned up, viruses removed, programs updated. I was ready to leave, so I wrote up the bill and gave it to her. She looked at it, and said “I’m not paying this, get out.” … I was stunned… what do you say to that? So I went back to the computer and told her I was just finishing up. She repeated “get out” and I said “I have to remove my software from your computer” I know what you are thinking. You are thinking I put all her viruses back on her computer. But I didn’t have to. Instead, I just removed my anti-virus programs, and disabled hers. I took the high road. What would you have done?
Author: Jerrold Schiff
http://www.schiffkey.com
nude, nudist, virus, v1rus, v1rusdr, schiff, schiffkey, computer, repair
Customers write the best jokes
By Jerrold Schiff
http://www.schiffkey.com
I always hand out notes on what you need to do to keep your computer up and running, and safe from viruses and computer failures.
My notes are hand written, as I carefully explain the steps you need to do – whether weekly or monthly.
Everyone is keen on listening. You can save a lot of money by doing simple things all by yourself!
But, my handwriting is terrible. I know it. My clients know it. And most aren’t shy in saying so!
So, I’ve gotten into the habit, before I begin my lecture, of saying, jokingly:
“I’ll explain what you need to do. If you have trouble remembering, or reading my writing, you are welcome to take this sheet to a pharmacist – who can decipher my notes.”
A laugh is guaranteed. And everyone pays more attention, including taking their own notes. It’s a win win!
EXCEPT FOR THIS ONE CUSTOMER.
One older gentleman, probably 80 or 90 years old listened carefully and intently. But his face was very stern and disapproving. Afraid that I had insulted him, I asked “Have I said something wrong? Are my notes totally unreadable?”
He then looked me straight in the eye, and said “I don’t have to take the notes to a pharmacist. I’m a retired pharmacist”… and at that, he grinned, from ear to ear. He got me. He had me hook line and sinker.
computer, virus, removal, documentation, humour
“For the price of fixing my computer, I could buy a new computer”
This is probably the number one statement every computer technician hears when he mentions that he chargers for his services. It does not matter if you give a flat rate price or an hourly price.
But what does it really cost to buy a new computer, rather than fix an “old one”?
Fixing a computer can cost between $70 and $210.
Buying a new computer can cost between $400 and $700 (modestly), add in software and printers, then add hours of setup and cabling. Not to mention lost data and precious time! Let’s say $300?
Details !!!
Step one: Computer selection. While it may seem that there are only 4 or 5 computer manufacturers out there, each computer differs. CPU speed, hard drive size, amount of memory, and warranties. Add “research time” and “buying time” plus “set up time” to your costs.
Step two: Software and printers. A computer comes out of the factory “as is”. That means all your programs and printers have to be reloaded. If you have changed operating systems (say from XP to Windows 8), then you may have to buy new programs, or even a new printer. Add software (Microsoft Office is $250), Quickbooks etc. Add a new printer and printer cable.
Step three: Data. How do you get your data from the “old” or “infected” computer over to your new computer? How do you know that you aren’t copying the virus WITH the data? How do you know which data to transfer, and where it is located on the old computer? How do you set up your email and internet, your routers and passwords?
Step four: If you have managed all on your own so far, you’ve done well. If you have transferred your data over to the new computer, you’ve done exceptionally well. BUT if you have transferred over the virus that caused the problem in the first place??? You are back to square one.
Hire a computer professional
We are worth it !
Jerrold Schiff
http://www.schiffkey.com
407-772-2081
schiff, v1rusdr, virusdr, new computer, purchase
Getting Nasty in Computer Repair.
There is nothing like a frantic phone call “I have porn all over my three computers, get it off NOW!”
I arrived at the house at 9:30 am. At the door was a nice lady, probably in her mid 40’s. She greeted me with the usual charm any computer repair guy receives: “I’m glad you could come so quickly. You need to fix these computers before my husband gets home.”
The first computer was in the living room. The computer looked out to the front yard. Hey, this is Florida, you could see the heat rising from the driveway. My set up is always the same: Give the customer papers to fill out. Ask them to get me a cup of coffee. Manually go thru the computer to see which virus was present and where it resides. Yeah, sometimes it is that easy.
She came back in the room with my coffee, and the papers filled out. I said thank you and started to give her the initial assessment. That’s when I noticed her. Not that I didn’t see her before. But here she was 2 feet in front of my face. And her blouse was discretely without buttons buttoned where they should be. That should have been a red flag. But like I said, this is Florida, and it is hot. And, well, computer guys aren’t too quick on this stuff.
As I started the scanning programs, I sipped on the coffee and started to answer the usual questions. “Where did I get a virus?” “Why didn’t my anti-virus program catch it?” “How long does this take?” and my favourite question “Was it something that I did?”
I have a lot of fun with those questions. Sure, I could answer with certainty, if I was to do forensics … pulling out all the temporary files and history. Instead, I usually just say things like “You need to stop clicking everywhere on anything, especially if you don’t know or trust the web site or the email.”
Since the first program I run takes a good 20 minutes, I asked to see the other computers. She took me upstairs to her son’s computer. Turning it on was a shock, even for me. It was loaded with so much porn that I was sure the cops would be at the door that instant. And we aren’t just talking the usual pictures. The virus started up some pretty graphic videos. Dr. Ruth would have been impressed!
The story ends here for the protection of both me and my client.
You are welcome to write your own continuation.
Jerrold Schiff
http://www.schiffkey.com
nasty, computer, virus, removal, customers, women
Dirty Computers
Protecting your investment
Over ten years in the business, and I can tell you that next to viruses and software failures, the next worse threat to a computer is DUST and DIRT.
Warning: Opening your computer may invalidate the warranty. Only professionals should attempt any procedure that involves electricity. Incorrect work may result in shocks. Hardware may be destroyed by water, air, dust, dirt. The author of this article cannot be held liable for any damages.
WHY IS MY COMPUTER DIRTY?
A computer HEATS up. There are fans to bring in air and cool off the CPU (Chip) and motherboard. Trouble is, the air is not being filtered. Whether you live in Park Place or Mediterranean Avenue, dust circulates. Human hair, skin and worse Dog or Cats spew stuff in the air every day. It doesn’t matter how clean your house may be. Carpets vs. wood floors just makes it worse! And the home of a smoker? Nuff said.
Now you know WHY and HOW computers get dirty.
Partial instructions on cleaning a computer: FOR A DESKTOP COMPUTER:
Buy a “Gas Duster” product from a reputable store. This product will not have any water (harmful).
Turn off the computer. Unplug everything, especially the power cord. Unplug the Ethernet too.
Depending on the make/model lay the computer on its side, unscrew and remove the side panel.
Take the computer outside. Removing dust inside the house defeats the purpose!
Using the gas gun, safely use short bursts to remove the dust from all sensitive areas.
Allow the computer time to “dry” before reconnecting and before turning it back on.
Repeat every six months.
Jerrold Schiff
http://www.schiffkey.com
407-772-2081
dirty, filthy computers, clean, desktop, windows
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